mood: curious

what am i? a body? skin, millions upon billions of cells collected together to create tissue filled flesh? red and white blood cells? muscles and fat? brain and neuro receptors? collegen and elastin. hair, nails, bones? tears? in those regards i am just like everyone else. so what makes me so different from everyone else. is it that i am or am not more than the sum of my parts? is it my thoughts? is it something that cannot be explained or is it something completely different entirely? what is is that makes someone attracted to someone else? is it their parts or the sum of their parts? or is it something else all together? whatever it is im lacking it.

a man in my life once told me i was more than the sum of my parts. well maybe that is whats wrong with me. maybe its the more than the sum part that makes people want to leave. maybe if i just never open my mouth again than that more part wont get in the way. my flesh and bones dont seem to be the problem by far. i dont know. all i know is that something in me has got to change or i fear i will never find anyone who wont want to leave the first opportunity they get.

mood: melancholy

i wake up every morning wishing i were dead and i go to bed every night begging god to not let me wake up. the second step in NA as to find a power greater than yourself to help you find a reason to want to live. the funny thing is that supposedly drugs make you suicidal at some point and this is where step two comes into play. but what if you were suicidal before the drugs and the drugs are what is keeping you alive? what if drugs are your higher power? what if heroin is what makes life tolerable enough for me to bear getting up every day?

 how do explain to people that if you didnt do the drugs you would surely kill yourself? how do you make people see that its the only thing keeping you sane? some people take zanax or welbutrin. some people take prozac. i take heroin and crack and alcohol and pain.i have the same problems as everyone else if not worse at times. so why should i be ridiculed or be made to feel bad for taking a different type of medication as my temporary solution? why cant anyone just support me in my attempt at trying to cope and survive?

just love and try to understand me or just leave me alone please.

i am not an addict. i am a survivor. 

mood: lonely

Save some face, you know you've only got one
Change your ways while you're young
Boy, one day you'll be a man
Oh girl, he'll help you understand
Looking back at sunsets on the Eastside
We lost track of the time
Dreams aren't what they used to be
Some things sat by so carelessly
And someone is calling my name
From the back of the restaurant
And someone is playing a game
In the house that I grew up in
And someone will drive her around
Down the same streets that I did
On the same streets that I did

Smile like you mean it...

mood: tired

other kids talked crap on me
never heard a word they said
just kept my head in the clouds
while the rest stayed in bed

i've got 15 bucks in my pocket
and a hole in my sleeve
a car that doesnt take much gas
and an 80 minute mix cd

if i had a dollor for all my dreams
i'd be rich and happy
im addicted to the people i meet
and i love the world i see

and if i could just learn to sing
to write the songs they need
i'd be on the greatest hits chart
and girls would be wanting me

now i got plenty of sunshine
beating down on my back
and plenty of stubborn pride
doesnt let me fall off track

i've got me tons of moxy
and the stars on my side
just looking for someone
who'll go along for the ride

i smoke too many cigarettes
probably drink too much beer
know i sleep way too much
but it gives me dreams to spare

and if i could just learn to sing
to write the songs they need
i'd be on the greatest hits chart
and you'd see me playing on mtv

i was listening to death cab for cutie this morning and rememberd the boy who introduced me to their music. it was so sad remembering him. he had a wierd type of lucemia (or however its spelled). he had a huge crush on me and i bought him two kittens once to keep him from being lonely after i turned him down. sadly he couldnt keep them after a while but he said they helped while he could keep them. he eventually ended up dating my sister and they had a great thing while it lasted. 

a couple months ago my sister randomly told me that the boy who introduced me to such an amazing band had died a little while back. he was dating my sister at the time and im glad for that. at least he didnt die lonely.

mood: rejuvenated

im working again. yay go me. im excited. i cant live with myself if i dont have a job. it kills me to be umproductive. and im over my ex, woot. i no longer want her or miss her. i miss what i had and all the good times and great feelings but i dont need her to have that happiness again. i have my friends and i love them and they love me and the rare ones that i can truly call my best friends are all i need to keep me going. i love you will, ray, even matt and marcie. i have the comfort of my walls and there is such a sence of safety and security that i know can never be taken away and i have my walls to thank for that. i love myself more than i ever have, well at least moer than i have in quite a long fucking time. i stopped cutting myself and i havent wanted my heaven in quite a few days. everything is going great for me now that i have a new job i like and i dont have a certain person in my life any more. needless to say im very excited for my future and my new opportunities. no more dead weight tying me down and keeping me chained to virginia. i stay now because i want to i like the friends i have here. and when those friends move away so shall i of my own accord and when i choose. im loving my freedom and this new kind of happiness.

mood: content

solitude = freedom and safety, freedom and safety = happiness,

solitude = happiness

mood: excited

no joke. i woke up to a really sweet simple text from my ex shannon saying good morning. i woke up feeling good despite the shit i took the day before. and then will woke up and was all nice to me and picking on me and texting me even thoguh he was laying right next to me. so we got this song stuck in our heads cause of the text messages and had to listen to it. and it was amazing and perfect. so i made the mistake of saying that it was the best morning i;ve had in a long time and i didnt want to leave teh bed cause something would mess up the perfect morning.

so will decides that he is going to cater to my every whim so that i wont have to leave the sanctity of the bed. it was amazing. i didnt leave the bed the entire day with the exception of the one time i had to pee. i layed in bed listening to music and texting my friends. occasionally i would wiggle around and pass it off as dancing in bed. sometimes i would stand on the bed and dance. i didnt get out of bed once.

i watched movies in bed on the comp that will would kindly put on for me. and when the music would stop and he was out of the room i would suffer teh silence. i was serious i wasnt leaving my safe comfy bed for nothing. not even to step two feet away to turn the music back on.

people would text and ask if i was still in bed and then call and giggle at me and pick on me. some people even kept asking if i was serious or just playing around. i was deadly serious i refused to leave the bed under any circumstances. i wasnt risking having anything ruin the only completely perfect day i have ever had in my whole life.

at midnight i got out of bed, went upstairs and went pee. from that point on ive been on this here myspace and livejournal blogging my one wholely perfect day. im excited.

mood: tired

remember when you were a little kid and on perfect warm sunny days all you wanted to do was spin in circles until you fell to the ground. you'd lay in the cool green grass and stare at the clouds rolling past in the sky. blow the little white fluffs off those flowers you'd pick and swing on the swings with your head tilted so far back that you'd get dizzy? eating cherry popsicles until your lips turned bright red. that first kiss with your best friend?

well for me that is what love feels like. like the perfect spring day when you were a little kid. nothing could ever compare to that day. love is like the perfect spring day. the warm sun on your face the breeze blowing the smell of flowers and salt water across your skin. nothing but the sound of your breathing and birds and the ocean waves. like spinning in circles for so long that you fall into a lump of giggles.

i would love nothing mreo than to feel that way forever. however it seems that something always seem to mess that feeling up for me. someone lies and/or cheats and breaks your heart so bad that no matter how amazing that feeling of love is it just isnt worth all the pain you feel when that person takes that perfect feeling from you. and as sad as it is to say, i never want to feel that good or bad again.

so i build walls. walls to protect me from ever letting someone get so close that they could possibly make me feel that good again. walls to keep me from getting those feelings taken away and my heart broken again. walls so high that even god herself couldnt get past them. i love my walls. they keep me safe. and in all honesty i think from now on i would much rather spend my days spinning in circles and creating my own false sence of love that no one but myself can take away.

mood: relaxed

so this is what i will be looking for in a girl, not to love, but just to date. im tired of going with my gut instinct and then getting screwed over all the time. from here on out i will use rational and common sence. no more picking girls with my heart and not my head.

i want a girl who is sweet and mature. someone i wont be emberesed to take home because they cant be respectful. this doesn't imply that i will be taking you home to meet my family so dont get that in your pretty head. it simply means i want someone who i could take home and not worry about their behavior. i want someone who will make me laugh and when they are around me they will only pay attention to me and my fine ass (sarcasm... i know its only a mediocre ass). someone who is spontanious and can keep my interest up and not bore me. someone who will do what it takes to be with me because i sure as shit aint the easiest person to be with. someone i wont have to dumb down my vocabulary for in order to talk to. someone who has a high set of morals and consideration for others. someone who will appreciate all the niceties and cute little things i would do for them. some one who understands im damaged and will have the patience to help me heal. someone who wont judge me. and definately someone who doesnt just see me as a free peice of ass. im not any one ho' or hooker. someone who isnt afraid to tell people about me and that they're with me. someone who will be proud of me and of being with me. i refuse to be anyones dirty secret again. and just because i dont want love doesnt mean that i dont want something kind and sweet and meaningful.

so yeah i will probably never find anyone like that but hey i refuse to settle for less again. and yeah im cruel and cold and according to some people a heartless bitch but there you have it. thats what i want and i wont take any less.

mood: optimistic

i dont know why but i feel the need to be shown some girly attention. i want to be taken on a date, a real date. nothing serious. im talking out to dinner or a bar/small club, a few drinks, getting to know each other than i dunno maybe mini golfing or bowling (something i suck at). making out in the car and nervous flirting. yeah that sounds like an amazing evening.

any takers? any one?

mood: peaceful

so i let her go. i gave up. not on the hoping or the wishing or the dreaming, but on they trying. a person can only put in so much effort before the other person has to attempt to meet them half way or shit at least part of the way. every person has their breaking point and mines came when i realized that the nickname my friends gave her were actually validated. they nicknamed her ms. jeckyl as in dr jeckyl and mr hyde. she is sweet and loving one day and then snapping at me and saying the most cruel heartless things to make me cry the next. at that point you realize that you just have to stop trying, fall back and take time to repair all the damage they have done to you. so i have. hence the reason i agreed to an offer of lunch when i went to give her the last of her christmas gifts that finally came in.

she wanted a peacful non awkward lunch and i tried my best to give her that but when lunch was over i finally said any and everything i ever needed to say to her and to my surprise no beg or plea for her return ever came from my mouth. just a few retaliatory comments for all the bull shit she has strung me through and a few truths and honest feelings i felt she needed to know. maybe if she knew that i was tired of her games and teenage drama, knew that i was no longer so in love with her that i would be her stupid toy and let her abuse me than maybe she would stop stringing me along and treat this situation like a real adult. i told her that i didnt want to be in love with anyone ever again, and maybe that included her, considering how she treats me like shit now. that i would never talk to her or make any effort to contact her. anything from here on out is strictly because she wants to and would make an effort for once in our relationship to fucking try. though i really doubt she will. i mean really what can you expect from a child?

i told her i loved her, and i still do with all my heart. i always will. then i got in the car and left without even saying goodbye, i dont think she even noticed. and i drove away. cried the whole way home and then got drunk and went to bed. well i woke up yesterday and i was ok. for the first time in at least 12 months i woke up and felt ok. at peace. calm. and i guess in its own little way, happy. she can no longer wear me down and exhaust me. i am no longer her dirty little secret and the girl she lies to about pretty much everything. i am just her wife and only in the sence that if your spouse died or left you would still always be their wife even if not by conventional standards.

but in all reality and in all totallity i am just my own. i am just me and i know i can handle and take anything i can put myself through. i will never leave me or lie to me. i will never cheat on me and i will never abandon me. i am mine and wholely my own and i will be ok. i am not a title or a job or a car or a membership to some elite place. i am not someones whore or problem or hinderence. i am nothing more than a human being with feelings and thoughts and ideas and opinions. all 100% pure unidolterated, unaltered, raw, fucked up, quixotical, hoplessly romantic, intelligent, trusting to a fault, ever forgiving.. me. i am just me.

mood: enraged

oh yeah i lost my job so that the boss's favorite employee could have my spot. woot but its ok i guess i just applied for the position of the administrative assistant for the physicians assistant department at shenandoah university. it will be twice what i was making at my old job. hopefully i get it. but yeah so im a half hour into my drinking and im already on my second bottle of wine. yup im excited.

ive so far in the last 30 days lost my friends, my girl, my job, my sanity. what next? im afraid that if i lose too much moer i might just lose everything i have left in that keeps me going. my whole fucking world is crumbling and my only comfort is found in my addictions. my solace lay at the bottom of a bottle and all i want is some comfort and peace. i just want love, but starving works when hunger hurts and it costs too much to love.

ill make it though. i always do. i will find a way or i will die trying but i never give up. pride is my biggest sin and i will go to hell for them. yeah im fucking emo and no i dont give a damn. life is cruel heartless bitch, so bring it you mother fucker and i will meet you head on and fight you tooth and nail. i will not give up. i will not surrender. i will not lack the courage to carry out my convictions. i will make it or i will die trying.

everyone has something to belive in or hope for and my something is that i will prove everything and everyone wrong. i have something to prove and i will prove it. you cant hold me down any longer. and im sorry if people get hurt in the process and im sorry if i lose people i love, but i will not be a fucking door mat anymore. im a fighter, its in my blood. and i will live off instinct and the anger and bitterness that fuels my fire for life.

so fuck you backstage video, and fuck all of you who have left me in my biggest time of need. i will make it with or with out you!